Melinda's Page

dream-journal

april, 2006

April 23rd, 2006

This was the experience that finally motivated me to organize my astro-journal. I feel the need to discuss this experience for both personal/healing reasons and educational reasons.

It started when I was at a gas station- driving home from Columbia, MO after the Earth Day event in which I promoted my company/website and sold a few things. It had been a wonderful day- ending with a mellow spaghetti dinner at my friends house with their kids, my daughter Summer and her father Ken. We were all very tired after the day and I needed to drive back to St. Louis that night because I had a doctor’s appointment in the morning. I began the drive feeling very tired, but happy about how the day had gone.

When I am tired I become more easily irritated than usual and when I walked into the gas station to pay for my gas, I was already irritated about how little gas I had gotten for my money. I then became more irritated as stood behind the station’s only other customer while he joked with the attendants. I am impatient by nature, and being tired and in a hurry to get home and sleep, my irritation began to skyrocket.

I am used to this feeling of impatience, having dealt with it my whole life (I am an Aries), and so I tried to fight it and keep the irritation from showing too much. However, it wasn’t until I was a few miles away from the station that I realized that I had a massive headache. Furthermore, this headache was like no other headache I have had. I was soon in so much pain that I felt dizzy and nearly unable to drive. I thought about pulling over but I knew that I would just sitting on the side of road in pain rather than on my way home (in pain) which was better than sitting on the side of road. I knew that I would be OK as long as I paid attention and watched the road.

I thought about taking medication. I decided against it for a number of reasons. The most practical reason was that I entering a low-income period and I knew that I could no longer afford medicine the way that I used to be able to. I wanted to break the habit of medicating my pain so that I would not use up all my current medicine reserves too quickly. The other reason was that I figured this was a good opportunity to experiment with different healing techniques. I tried to take my mind off of the pain. This worked to a degree, but the pain was intense and hard to ignore. I did find that it lessoned when I thought about other, more interesting things. I decided to make a point to remember whether or not I was still in headache pain when I got to my apartment and, if I was, consider the possibility that I may be susceptible to migraine headaches.

I was still in pain when I finally returned. I was surprised and annoyed by this. Somewhere in my brain was the awareness that irritation probably brought on the pain. I got my dog fed and my daughter settled in bed and immediately gobbled 800 mg of Ibuprofen and went quickly to my bed- eagerly waiting for the medicine to do its job.

I tossed and turned and finally the pain began to slowly subside. I began to drift off to sleep. At some point Ken, returning from Columbia, had walked into my apartment and had gone to sleep; I was aware of this but half asleep as well. This is when the really bizarre dreams- or dream experiences I should say- began. Somewhere in the past week or two I had noticed my astral projection experiences were waning a bit and I decided to try meditating a little more and had asked my spirit guide to bring me these experiences. I also discovered that my horoscope (one of them anyway) had discussed the possibility that I would have dreams on this night that would be very informative.

This was indeed the case. The only thing was that the first couple times I fell asleep I had something like lucid nightmares rather than peaceful dreams. The first time I fell asleep- that feeling of irritation and consequent illness was still hanging over me and it represented itself in my semi-conscious dream. It started out as a dream in which I was searching for a cup for my daughter in my apartment and feeling irritated at her father for not helping me deal with her. At the point of irritation, I became more conscious in my dream. I was still in my living room and beginning to float around the room. I felt guilty about being irritated (once again) and this is when fear entered into my consciousness and the dream became immediately frightening. I began to feel like I was going to lose consciousness- which I have a few times in the past when I am astral projection and begin to feel afraid.

The blood seemed to leave my hands and then my arms, and I began to fear that I was going to die. I knew I was astral projecting at this point, but was sleep paralyzed and I couldn’t seem to wake up. I had read about how a lucid dream partner could help you return to your body in these situations, and so I began to try to call out Ken’s name so he could wake me. I was forming the words, but no sound would come out. Finally I said his name, he woke up and I returned to my body and woke up as well.

I said something about having a lucid nightmare, but because I needed to sleep I turned over and began to try to fall asleep again. He seemed unnerved by my comment and left the room to sleep somewhere else. I drifted off to sleep again.

I had the same type of experience. I was astral projecting almost immediately upon falling asleep. I was in apartment, floating around, and at some point I became afraid. I realized sometime after I woke up that my fear is related to the idea that we “see our shadow selves” first when we begin to astral project, and experiment with other states of consciousness. This is true in my opinion, but this experience is a good example of how fear will do nothing more than hold you back when trying to astral project. I tried again to wake myself up by calling out- this time I managed nothing more than a truly horrid-sounding gurgle. Then I finally woke again.

The clock by the window said that about 15 minutes had passed since I had first lain down to sleep.

After these two experiences, which I was rather amazed and somewhat disturbed by, I decided I wanted to continue trying to astral project but I needed to ask for assistance from Marcus before falling asleep. I said a prayer to Marcus asking for assistance- I requested first that I be able to control my fear and second, while I was at it, I requested that I be able to see Marcus in my dream.

My prayer was answered, as they always are. I never cease to be amazed by this, although perhaps I should just assume it natural by now. Nonetheless, it is incredible how my prayers are answered every single time- although almost never in the way I imagine they will be. I drifted off to sleep again.

This time I was floating and spinning even more than in my last two dreams- it seemed that I could feel the air swishing around me. This time, I was not in my apartment but in some kind of office building instead. The hallways were wide and extravagant- with black and gold accents. It didn’t look familiar to me at all, but my astral self was leaping happily around it like a child on a playground.

As soon as the leaping began, as is typical for me, I became semi-conscious of what was happening. Then I noticed a man walking down the hallway a little bit behind me. He was dressed in a dull gray suit and looked rather plain…he was balding and had sort of a ‘Dr. Phil’ look about him, only he looked shorter and more insecure.

To me, he looked pretty unthreatening.

He spoke. He said, in a voice that was somewhat concerned and somewhat annoyed at the same time, “Have you even noticed the beautiful trees outside?”

I floated around- half noticing a window that I floating into and said, before I thought better of it, “fuck you!” while smiling with childish joy.

I realized instantly that I had done something wrong and this jolted my awareness even more- all I noticed was his head bowing before I jolted awake and realized what had happened. I was definitely ashamed of myself.

I realized all at the same time that this was a lucid dream, I was semi-aware, I was floating around and that the man that I had basically told to “fuck off” was my spirit guide. Oops. That is really so typical of me- to let my ego get in the way before I am even aware of it.

The next day I had a doctor’s appointment (which I was late for) and I realized at some point during the appointment (which was only about 30 minutes long due to my tardiness) that the hallway of the office building was the exact same as that in my dream. The doctor looked exactly like the one in my dream –except taller and a little sharper in the eyes.

This is the kind of stuff that makes me believe. It is one thing to have something on your mind, and then dream about it. That is common. It is quite another to dream about something and then find that it happens the next day.

The messages implied? Well, the man said, “have you even looked at the trees?” I think this may mean that I need to work on being grounded- as I often do. It may also mean that I need to look at the positives of my situation rather than the negatives- as my life is somewhat difficult at the moment. Another message that may be implied- because the man looked just like the doctor I had seen the following day may make some kind of difference in my life. He may play a “guiding” role in my life.

contact me at melinda.moellering@gmail.com