ABYSSAL EPISTLES
The Astrology of Baron Samadhi von Coppockalypse, PhD
Volume 83: Sunlit Swamp Water
The heavy metal Sun of Aries this year is hesitant. The mind drags behind, just sobering up from an extended season in the shadow of a retrograde Mercury. Venus is well ahead, enjoying the fruits of labors still incomplete, and Mars almost invisible in Aquarius, not quite providing the manifest energy we need to get our Aries on.
The small light inside us tries to expand under the influence of the Arien Sun. Take the time to let the light clear a burning path through your muscles so that that emanation isn't alien to this world. We're digging out of wet mental season of confusion and addiction. It will take a little bit for the gently increasing rays to burn through the moist refuse of the last few months.
As of the 27th, Mercury delves into new territory for the first time since February, when it entered one of its tri-annual Retrograde seasons. Problems emerged, then solutions, then movement towards those solutions. What have we finished with? Possibly by discarding the whole problem. Regardless of whether the problems have been cast aside or solved, the season of delays is over. .
Communications are of primary interest this week, with Mercury not only moving out of his retrograde turf, but into conjunction with Uranus on Sunday, the 1st. With thoughts finally free of the cage that held them for well over a month, the communications we've been either waiting to make or receive will finally get going. Venus will also share in the thundry rays of Uranus, the day before, on Saturday, the 31st. The change in perspective will be both mental and emotional, and possibly financial.
HOROSCOPES:
March 27th - April 1st
Aries: The Ass of Life
Happy birthday, Aries. My sweet little amazons, gladiators, and magicians of the zodiac. My present to you is an ass. The ass you'd most like to kick. Not the human ass. The life-ass. Focus squarely on the life-ass in front of you and kick it til your toes break.
Taurus: Shiny New Tractor
Venus working her way through your ravaged pastures makes for a happier herd of Taurii. The seeds you've sown in torn soil are sprouting around you. A small spring harvest. Whatever you've got coming up now is a prelude to what you've really got coming. Consider the industrial strength farm machinery you'll need.
Gemini: Water Torture
Your slow crawl back to sanity sees some positive developments this week. Like a Japanese game show, the world has been holding your head underwater until you get the right answer to a question you can't quite hear. This week the universe relents, giving you enough time to hear, and possibly answer, correctly.
Cancer: Where There's A Way
Thoughts about your professional come to the forefront this month. You're method of being is becoming more and more focused. With the way clearing, the territory you'd like to settle is clearing of obstructions. It won't happen this week, but expect April to bring some new developments.
Leo: Let God Sort'em Out
The last month has seen Mars make his home in the sign opposing your own, Aquarius. The red planet's baleful rays put your ideas about self-representation to the test of action. Some ideas have been given the medal of valour while others lie dead on the battlefield. Let the lightning strike your head and empower you to let go of the dead end social methods you've refused to let go of.
Virgo: Solve for (Y)
Radical changes in the social sphere of your life are moving hand in hand with a surge of optimism and arrogance. To the degree that you are unable to balance this equation, problems in the career sphere are likely, with misrepresentation as a theme.
Libra: Diagnosis Libra
As always, the Sun's movement through Aries represents a month of challenges. The kind that better refine and define you. Mad fluctuations in your work, work-out routines, and spending schedules are eating away at you. This month will provide you with the experiences neccesary to diagnose what you need to fix. The symptoms will be presented to you by other people.
Scorpio: The Blood Must Flow
Scorpio, you've got to grab life by the balls. The low hanging fruit takes only a grab, twist, and pull. This winter hasn't exactly favored ass-kicking on your part, though you've been thinking about it a lot. Neccesary changes in perspective are right around the corner. You'll finally pass that kidney stone you've been working through your urethra this season.
Sagittarius: You Are A Sagittarius
You're rounding the corner a little quicker than the other signs. The Sun in Aries is completely supportive of everything you've got in mind. Venus in Taurus is providing ample opportunity to work and earn. Use that cash to fill in the gaps in your finances and avoid spending until you're foundation is firm. You've got to use the abundance this year to set yourself up in a firm position for the next. You don't want to be left with only the memory of how awesome you were. Or maybe you do. You are a Sagittarius.
Capricorn: A Place For DIO
The presence of the Sun in Aries presents a challenge to the Capricorn mindset. You understand the power of position, but often Capricorns lack a proper understanding of the power of presence. It's not a matter of enough learning, craft, or competance. It's a matter of fucking rock and roll. Pure, retarded rock and roll. Reserve a place for DIO in your meditations.
Aquarius: Midas Touched Mind
Good ideas are coming the way of the Water-Bearer. The understandings you've put the down payment on during the last few months will be delivered shortly. What has survived this winter's shearing away process is better than gold. It is that which creates gold. The alchemists' objective, The Philosopher's Stone, which has the power to transmute other metals into gold. Understanding how to monetize innovation and originality shall be your salvation.
Pisces: Meanwhile...
The sunken treasures inside your life still hold a few mysteries, but while the deep-sea expedition is under way, you've got surface concerns to take care of. Shift the ass-kicking to the financial realm. The sky says you've got work right in front of you.
Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes into you with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes. If your newspaper or your mom's website are interested in publishing the Baron's weekly prophetics, shoot this old guy an email at Dr.Coppockalypse@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.
COPYRIGHT 2007 ABYSSAL EPISTLES
Sol in Pisces, Luna in Cancer
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