Astrology 5th-11th: Valentine's Day Massacre

ABYSSAL EPISTLES

The Astrology of Baron Samadhi von Coppockalypse, PHD

Volume 77: Valentine's Day Massacre 

      This week, caught in the waning half of the lunar cycle, with Mercury headed retrograde, we slide through a variety of states before plummeting into Valentine's Day itself.  There's not much to say this week:  things sliding in the direction they've been going.  More talk about Iran, more war in the middle-east.  More incorrect addresses and unpaid bills. More obsessively rethinking parts of your life.  More being taken farther and farther away from the things you need to get done.

Impending Mercury Retrograde

     The inverted tornado of Mercury's retrograde winds are ready to sweep the land.  A touch from the finger of god sends everything into a million pieces.  Whether it is a poke at your neural cortex, or your house, the tornado splinters coherent structures into blasted pieces.  While the winds are still high, it is impossible to put anything back together again.  But you can watch the wind inventory the pieces its picked up.  Whatever was safely packed away is flung before one's consciousness.

       Don't try to put everything back together while the winds are still shifty.  Watch them blow your thoughts about, but don't assume the direction that they're going is permanent.  Instead of acting on thoughts, watch them.  The same goes externally as well as internally.  Don't make big decisions based on your whims.  Explore them, but don't commit if you don't have to.  Real estate deals are notorious for souring when Mercury is retrograde, and oaths of true love and sworn enemity the same. Admit your desires:  I want this house.  I love you.  I hate your guts.  File them away.  But don't declare love or war.  You might regret it.  Soon.

V-Day

     With Mercury retrograde leading up to Valentine's Day while in the same sign as Venus, the air is not empty of thoughts about relationships.  Venus will conjunct Uranus later in the week.  Our social/emotional stance, which righted itself just after the holidays, is in for further mutation.  Mercury trailing in Venus' wake has people considering how to act on new emotional realizations.  If you've felt a change coming over your approach, the peak intensity will be Friday, the 9th, Venus' first day after her conjunction with Uranus, which occurs on Wednesday the 7th.  After that, we'll be thinking and rethinking the internal revelations regarding the formation of relationships as Mercury carries these bold new moves back to Aquarius to sort them out in 10 dimensions.

.      Valentine's Day itself should be hilarious, all told, with Mercury going retrograde the night before and with a naughty Capricorn moon conjunct lustful Mars and sextiling Venus.  This Valentine's will be dramatic for couples with trouble communicating.  It will be a serious test of whether you can talk about what you haven't been.  Mental rapport depends on it.  For singles, an easier day.  Several aspects make for a sexual atmosphere.   If you can get through the depression that often lurks behind the Capricorn Moon,  you'll find that its sexy time indeed.  Honestly, it seems dirty.  There are a number of good planetary aspects for sex.  Though the planets alone can't get your lazy ass laid, they can help

V-Day Horoscopes:   Why Nobody Loves You

  Warning:  The following is toxic to the ego and will corode self-esteem. In order to avoid adverse effects,  make sure to read the horoscope for someone you despise.

Aries:  Autoperformance 

     Well, it's not that no one loves you.  They just don't love you for very long. You can attract people, you just can't keep them attracted.  You try to prove your "loyalty" (actually, its your appeal you're trying to prove) by showing off what you can do for a person.  "This could be yours, baby."  Ultimately, you're just trying to prove yourself to yourself.  Frankly, nobody else wants to be part of your narcissistic charade.     

Taurus: Simple

    You Taurus?  Nobody loves you because you're boring.  No matter how much you try to zazz it up, you're just not very interesting.  You're fun, but that wears off quickly.  You make a good pillow, and sometimes good decoration, but not much more than that. Oh! You're also hideously possessive.  There's that, too.  So there you are:  Nobody loves you because you're boring and hideously possessive.

Gemini:  Nail Bomb

      Well, Gemini, you're just more, well, entertaining than you are lovable.  You're nice to be around, but kind of gross to touch. You know?  It kinda has to do with your bifurcated nature.  If we loved one of you, we'd have to hate the rest.  Instead, most choose to simply stay amused by your mood swings.   Nobody really wants to get too close to that nail-bomb you call a heart.

 
Cancer:  Misery Loves Company

      You wonder why, huh?  Well, Cancer, attachment and caring are not the same thing as "love."  You've got this idea that being loved means that someone will come live inside your little nightmare shell with you, bearing the brunt of your psychosis as if it was their own.  Which it isn't.  When you offer to smother them death in the same way you think you want, they run away, screaming. Or you get stuck in a stagnant little codependent puddle with them.  Gross.

 
Leo:  Parasitic Performance

    People actually do love you.  They just don't want to let you know, and for good reason.  When people open up about how much they admire you, you brush them off with an "I totally already know that" attitude.  Or worse, you'll take the opportunity to seize the stage, and go on endlessly about yourself, as if being loved entitled you to be the only speaking .  You do not return the love you are given.  You absorb it and move on to the next sucker.  You will, however, stay with someone who's interested in continuing to give blood in order to watch you perform.

Virgo:  This Is For Your Own Good

     Two words:  Pygmalion Complex.  Pygmalion carved his ideal woman out of stone, and the gods, as a cruel joke, brought her to life.  Virgo, you are either obsessed with letting people chisel you into the cold, stone form of their ideal, or hell-bent on surgically altering your partners to fit your constantly changing idea of perfection. 

Libra:  Desperation Is Unattractive

    Why Libra?  Why aren't you loved?  You're the perfect partner!  No, wait.  You're not.  The perfect partner has their own identity. You don't.  All you have is a crafty skill set for appearing as someone's perfect compliment.  But when the clock strikes midnight, your carriage turns back into a pumpkin, and you turn back into a co-dependent wuss with self-esteem problems.

Scorpio: Stating The Obvious

     This needs to be explained?  Seriously?  All right.  Let's start with you consistent forays into the emotional underworld, where you become either totally unreachable, or a menstrual volcano of aborted feelings and thoughts (I'm talking to you too, fellas).  How's that?  It's a good reason. Or- even better!  How about the fact that you fear those closest to you, and your spend time dreaming up ways you'll turn the tables when the "inevitable" betrayal occurs.  That's fun!  Nothing like sleeping with Stalin!  Allthough you are good in bed. I'll grant you that.  Well, not you.  I mean the other Scorpios.

 
Sagittarius:  The Dreaded Romantic 

    Love?  Love is something that other people sometimes say they feel when they're around you.  Its not really your concern.  Unless you are one of the dreaded "romantic sagittariuses," which are among the worst mutants of the zodiac.  Yall tend to take the elitist Sagittarian attitude into the arena of love, puffing yourself up with your completely "superior" love.  Do I have to point out the contradiction here?   Even worse than the dreaded "romantic Sagittarius" is the heinous "fake romantic Sagittarius," who is just as unsympathetic as your average Sagittarius, but with an understanding of the actions that people think indicate love.  These imposters know the art of stealing hearts, but not the meaning. 

Capricorn:  Unchain This Heart

     Well, Capricorn, there are a lot of reasons no one loves you, but we've got keep this short, so I'll try to focus on number one.  The number one reason no one loves you is that you don't take responsibility for your emotions with someone you're intimate with.  You take responsibility for your emotions (and other people's) in virtually every other arena, but not in love.  Its like love opens up this horrible portal to all the tender feelings you sent to hell a million years ago.  When they're unleashed, the result is an underworld prison riot.  Not attractive.

Aquarius:  Cold Light

     Aquarius, I love you for your mind.  No, wait.  I don't.  I respect you for your mind.  And no matter how original or inspired you are, yours is still the cold light of a distant star.  They can see it shining, they just can't feel it.

Pisces:  The Martyrdom of St. Narcissus

     Ah yes, the romantic and self-sacrificing Pisces.  Why would no one love you?  You're self-sacrificing, affectionate, wise, and variety of other things people say they want.  But you're not doing it for them.  You're doing it for yourself. So often Piscean acts of devotion are only to appease their raging conscience.  A sense of constant guilt spurs Pisces most famous sacrifices.  Martyrdom based on a narcissitic need to appear beautiful only involves others tangentially.

COPYRIGHT 2007 ABYSSAL EPISTLES

                                                                                                                          Sol in Aquarius, Luna in Capricorn


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Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes into you with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.  If your newspaper or your mom's website are interested in publishing the Baron's weekly prophetics, or you're interested in a personal reading,  shoot this old guy an email at Dr.Coppockalypse@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.