Correspondence with Melinda:
in various forms
The Amazing Words of AC
Here are some of the most beautiful writings in the world. You will not find them in many other places other than here. These writings were written by a patient of mine (I will call AC) who possesses the ability to create write words that jump off the page and dance in your heart…
"Bleeding Love" 3-17-07
There is a bliss,
found in the sound of silence,
A tranquil abscence,
in an endless abyss,
To kiss,... oh, how I miss her kiss,
Living to die a little each day,
Oh, to live like this,
I do not fear death,
I only fear dying to quick,
Without the chance to feel,
all of my life beginning to slip,
To not experience the last taste of light,
Before entering into darkness.
To love,...was always better when there was blood,
I did it all for love,
To know that love,
I would miss,
As dreams fall from my awakening eyes,
I remember her lips,
The scent of her skin,
wet with my kiss,
I miss the clenching of her hand,
with my flesh in her fist,
It feels better when theres blood,
It takes me back to times,
Much better then all of this.
Far away from the cold sweats,
upon my last breath,
and just before death,
I can still smile with,
The shattered chards of a broken heart,
and I can still love with,
the remains of a thousand burning fragments,
and as long as I can still bleed,
I can reminisce,
And death can never win,
Because I can never forget.
How it's cold hold,
has been dismissed.
"The Diary of an Astronaut" 3-30-07
The birth of a universe,
is first molded, then churned slowly,
within a black ocean of zero-gravity-
By the same ancient tides,
that kneade the beginning breaths into life,
Like the massive hands of a great sculptor,
Forming the first shapes of a living thing.
Once upon a time,
the horrors were only mysteries,
that would flee from our dreams,
But now life feeds,
as new worlds are emerging,
from the deaths of greater worlds.
In all the years we could only look up upon the cosmos and dream,
We will always long to have had more time to walk amongst them.
And there are only a handful of those,
Who got to know the truest depths of their souls,
When they ascended beyond their own world,
to share the same view of the Earth as the stars.
Out here amongst the wake of comet's tails,
and in between the rings of Saturn,
An astronaut's diary draws a blank,
In an astonishment only few have ever known-
For no journal entry could ever hold,
the words to describe what it's like,
feeling the awe of the universe in a mortal's heart.
And all the dreamers of deep space adventures,
Can only guess at what their minds could grasp,
or what perfect wisdom could possibly come,
close enough to capture the brilliance,
of beholding both the Earth and Moon,
brightly lit beside the Sun-
It all seeming so close you could touch it,
Feeling as if you could hold them all at once.
There could never be such poetry lines,
or sketches upon paper,
that could ever do justice for the memories of an astronaut.
He exists in the universe,
making mankind's prescence known,
Even if as only,
a barely significant speck,
delicately floating,
adrift upon an eternal monolith,
and dancing weightlessly,
across the endless face of God.
-AC
My Losses
I am chiseled by my actions. I take the shape of what my experiences carve me into. No one else has had to know what I know, as well as I know it. My losses are mine and have made me wiser. My losses are my armor as I look towards the next challenge. I am stronger for having had to lose.
My grief has hardened my heart. I know what can hurt me and I am no longer defenseless against it. My losses have shown what can hurt me. My losses are good because they are mine. My losses are good because they no longer hurt me, unless I dwell upon them. My losses are already lost and there is no need to let each one hurt me more than once. My losses can no longer be negative because they have become harmless to me.
My losses have softened my heart by showing me how much I care for what I stand to lose. My losses have humbled me, I am not untouchable, I can be broken, I know that because I have lost.
I know now that nothing is ever truly lost. Whatever it may be, it still can exist whether physical, spiritual or in a memory. I can never truly lose, there will always be something that stays with me. There is no thing as nothing. Though I am apart from what I’ve lost, my losses are a part of me.
02/24/07
“A Soul’s Fire is Being Rekindled”
Walking a fine line drawn carelessly between,
the desolate yesterdays, in which I would waste away,
And hope for the future, as of yet to be seen.
I was twirling along the bevel of a razor’s edge,
Hopelessly lost in a wild dance of not touching the ground,
Thinking I finally had the answers to it all,
But a false sense of reality was all that I had found.
Two paces back I stumbled,
Now I’m four more past the last step,
I began to fall faster and faster,
I was barely gasping for a breath.
My shaking hands reach for a bottle,
To wash down a mouthful of pills to help ease the pain,
I had become an inebriated loss of feeling
I am apathetic, neurotic angst.
Now I’m gone, lost somewhere along the very bottom,
I was broken, empty and crying,
I knew this couldn’t be a way of living,
I have found a way of dying.
Then through the darkness there reached a hand,
To catch my fall and help me to stand,
Who brought me 12 Steps so that I might understand,
that my life did not have to end so fast.
At that moment the sun broke free from the clouds,
Shedding light upon my hidden pain,
Feeling watched by the eyes of God,
All my secrets were exposed.
I was brought to meetings, where others would share,
Stories of their struggles similar to my own,
There was a comfort I found, sitting in my chair,
Knowing never again would I have to stand alone.
Slowly the grief within began to thaw,
And beauty of all I could have lost was revealing,
I could taste a need to be alive,
And amidst all this magnificence, my soul bloomed.
The spring had come to warm over the winter in my heart,
A new love pierced through the darkness within,
I knew that from here I could make a fresh start,
I knew that from here I could begin again,
With an undying inspiration to chase after my dreams,
I was given wings,
to rise above the deep shadows,
with smiling tears, of knowing forgiveness.
03/06/07
“Upon My Meditations in the Woods”
Letting a tear fall and not wiping it away,
To feel every sensation as it slowly rolls down my cheek,
To hold a breath in a few seconds longer,
To help appreciate the exhale,
and all that it can release,
You’ve helped me be able to feel grateful just to breathe,
And to let every one of my senses fill,
With the life in all of my surroundings.
Every flutter of organic matter touched by the wind,
Makes every sound of motion as the forest speaks to me,
The still waters pulsate,
A flow of energy exposes layers of sediment along the creek,
And the slightest change of my environment
Is felt inside of me,
It is constant, alive and breathing.
A deep undertow is present,
Sculpting all things as they appear to be,
Nothing can remain exactly the same for even an instant,
For the present is continually growing.
Branches of plants are like reaching veins,
Leaves spin slowly falling to the earth,
Sounds so small they can barely be heard,
Echo inside of me with such harmony,
Like a touch to my spirit,
Each sensation with its own place of belonging.
Now my thoughts ripple like rings of water,
My eyes flood with attention to delicate details,
My head sings with the sounds of a spring morning,
My existence is portrayed in the warmth of my breath.
My hope is like patches of green grass,
Sprouting upwards and in between,
My guilt lying still all along the ground,
Like the past winter’s dead leaves,
Shadows trace silhouettes of numerous trees,
gently swaying in the breeze,
Naked and new, re-born and accepting,
My heart dances in the twilight of a new day.
Holding my own heart in my hands,
I confessed to you that I was tired of digging
my own grave,
You gently whispered beneath my defenses,
You’ve helped me to find the person I want to save.
You’ve helped me to build a bridge,
Between what I regret and what I can forgive,
I can finally give myself permission to live,
Please believe me, I won’t ever forget.
-AC
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